Dear Agatha,
My marriage is just three months old, but
the kind of problems we are already having is making me tired already.
When my husband and I were dating we used to
share his room and bed so I assumed after marriage we would share a room. But
to my amazement, after a week, he told me to move my things into the next room.
Even though the rooms have doors that link them together through the bathroom
and toilet, I didn’t like the idea of sleeping on a separate bed from my
husband at night.
The more I tried to argue the point, the
more determined he appeared to be. Since it was too early for us to be fighting
over such a matter, I didn’t push it beyond registering my displeasures.
Besides, I reasoned there is no way he would protest my sleeping in his room.
But I reasoned wrongly as that night, he
told me after making love to relocate to my room that he wanted his peace and
space. He didn’t stop there; he told me it was a taboo for him to share his bed
with a menstruating woman or a nursing mother. He also said by his upbringing,
a serious minded man doesn’t allow a woman near him all the time. Finally, he
told me that he would be the one coming to my room whenever he has the urge to
make love.
When I asked what would happen if I feel
like making love, he didn’t give a reply.
I thought he was joking but his attitude of
the successive days showed he wasn’t. After I tried to force myself into his
room once or twice, he took to locking his side of the two doors. He only opens
the door when he felt like easing himself or taking his bath.
It is so confusing. Another thing is the
issue of joint account. He wants us to have a joint account. I don’t want it
due to the experiences of my friends. He is equally adamant about it. I am
honestly getting fed up with all these challenges. We dated for two years. I
never knew he was this rigid and so traditional.
We appear to be worlds apart. I don’t know
what to do at all because the man I see daily in the house is a complete
stranger who doesn’t have semblance to the one I dated and married.
Toyin.
Dear Toyin,
Marriage is like a gift pack; you don’t know
what is in it until the package is opened.
The first attitude towards a successful
marriage is to accept what you have been given. Without you looking for
something positive to hold on to at this initial stage of marriage, you will
end up making a complete mess of it all by focusing only on the challenges.
Trials can come anytime but when they come
early in a marriage, they empower the couple to develop the essential
determination to fight for their love.
Rather than see your husband as a difficult
man, why not ask and investigate the kinds of doctrine he grew up with? Don’t
forget our childhood experiences and examples provide us with the ideas we take
into our adulthood. He cannot be better than what he was brought up with. If
his parents or guardians shared separate rooms, that is what he is most likely
to take as the norm.
Therefore fighting him over what he has been
brought up to think is the right example of how married couples live would only
heat up the temperature of your home unnecessarily. This is because he would
never be able to comprehend why you are fighting him or want things done in
another way.
So, drop the combative approach and show him
love and understanding. To wean a person from long held notions require
patience and love. If he has to embrace your new concept, the change must be
clothed in attractive package to entice him to try it. To expect him to embrace
your ideas instantly is wrong.
Begin by using your room as a love nest.
When he comes into your room, make it impossible for him to want to leave you
after making love. Having dated and made love to him for two years, you must
have an idea of how he wants it or the things he desires. Once you perceive him
to be in the mood, go and prepare yourself and room. Go for the kill in a
nightgown that will make it impossible for him to resist or leave your arms.
Bath yourself in smooth body, nice smelling body lotion. Follow with a perfume
that will make it impossible for him not to remember you whenever he sniffs it
anywhere. Ensure he has enough on his clothes so when he goes back to his room;
he takes part of you with him.
In the morning, wear another kind of perfume
that will stay with him throughout the day. Unknown to many, good perfumes
stimulate sexual desires. It will etch you permanently into his subconscious
sufficiently to make him dream of different kinds of fantasies about you. He
has only said, he doesn’t want you both sharing a room, not that he doesn’t
want you in his room. When you come before him, prepare yourself nicely for the
taking. After giving him his meals, follow him to his room to discuss and share
jokes with him. Ensure the issue of different bedrooms doesn’t affect your
intimacy or friendship.
During those times, ensure your nightgown is
the kind that screams sexy-the kind he cannot resist. Use whatever you have as
a woman to ensure nothing affects the intimacy between the two of you until he
begins to see the futility in having two different rooms.
Problem will come if you insist on being
difficult or stubborn about it. As long as you play along with him, refusing to
be defeated by his attitude, he would eventually come to see reasons with you.
Don’t forget he is expecting you to be stubborn about this new thinking of his
and is prepared too to have his way as the head of the house. But you disarm
him by refusing to fight or complain about it.
By allowing him have his way, you are
telling him you are ready to make the marriage work at all cost. It is one of
the essential sacrifices women make to keep their homes.
As for the issue of joint account, there is
no harm in trying. Put in only what you can afford. Don’t use the experiences
of your friends to run your own. Have your own experience so that you can cite
it in future as a reason for refusing to do a particular thing.
Above all, develop the attitude of prayers
and respect for him.
Good luck.
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